My Wedding Day

” On my wedding day, there will be a break where you will all go to your homes, eat then come back” Haha, don’t be scared. That is a whatsapp status I read on a friend’s profile and I couldn’t hold my laughter. What was this guy thinking? I actually replied and told him “hatutarudi!” No mercy to the merciless! We ain’t going to sacrifice our time to witness you exchange vows with your woman only for you to treat us that way! Nefa!

But this got me thinking. How will my wedding be when I finally find the ‘Laugh of my life?’ To begin with, there will be no committee. Committees should be a reserve for serious issues like finding solutions to the perennial food shortages and famine in Kenya and not for planning a one day event where two consenting adults swear before uninterested all and sundry that they have decided to tolerate each other’s foolishness for the rest of their lives. Till death does them apart. Wengi hata hawafikangi hapo kwa death, wanafikishwa (septic tank manenos). Anyway…

Vows

If anything needs to be planned, it will be between me and my gaidi. We will choose what we want to wear on our big day. Personally am not going to DON a suit. It is not an interview. I will be comfortable with an African wear. ‘My person’ will also make her choice. Si cha muhimu ni vows? Ama ni uhai. Haha. None of my friends will be forced to strain their finances to purchase clothes because of us. No. We care about you. Kuja vile ulivyo bana.

No contributions to finance my wedding. By now you must have realized I don’t want to subject anyone to misery (on top of the one they already have.) Again, people will always lie to you that they will support your wedding, only for them to change the narrative and say how you are forcing them into whatsap groups to contribute. I don’t want that. The other day I saw screenshots of a dowry contribution group where everyone left. Everyone, apart from the admin, who probably was the one going to pay dowry. I think he also left later. What would you be doing in a group alone? He should have known better. Hata chibudee, the proprietor of Wasafi Records who is busy uniting east Africa (not musically) but by dating, marrying and separating with women from Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania condemned that in his song ‘Kanyaga.’

My ‘gaidi’ and I will decide what you people are going to eat on our wedding depending on our financial situation at that time. Kama hatutakuwa Sawa, mtakula ulimi zenu na hadithi za pilau bana. But we will try to get you something. Maybe a soda(ndogo) and kdf. Or simple rice with beef. My aunties will help prepare that. I will help slaughter the goat. It has never taken me more than 30 minutes to slaughter and skin a goat. So hiyo budget ya catering services tumetoa.

Publicity

Mine will not be a highly publicised wedding like the Pope’s visit. But I will make sure those who need to know are aware without sending those cards. Probably two or three weeks to. Just so that they can plan to attend if they wish to. You know Homo sapiens will pretend to feel bad that you never informed them about your wedding when in the real sense they still would have given excuses. And it’s not them you were going to tie the knot with! Mscheew!

Mkishakula nini ingine? Gifts. One awkward thing about informing people about your wedding is that they will be thinking, you expect gifts from them. Mine will be different. Kuja jinsi mlivyo. And I say this from the heart of my bottom (pun intended). But am not going to reject a 504 Peugeot from anyone. Ama kama ni wakati wa campaign, uncle Ulliam akuje aniangushie V8 my fren. That will be the last day you will catch me condemning graft!I don’t want blankets, jugs, 100 litres water tanks, glasses, sufurias, spoons, shirts… Thank you. Hizo tutanunua na Switat yangu. Na si madharau.

Am not sure yet if there will be cutting of cakes. Until recently, I never knew that wedding cakes can cost up to 200k. Mimi na ushamba yangu, I have been thinking no cake costs more than 5K. It is a friend who bakes cakes that chanuad me that a cake can cost up to whatever amount you want as long as you afford. Kwanza this cakes with ghorofas up to sijui 7th floor. Kwanza mi am scared of heights. So instead of a cake, I will get my grandmother ( God bless this lady) to cook for me Ugali ya Wimbi. I will then have Kuku kienyeji dry fry. That is what we will cut and eat. By the way my grandmother won’t prepare the chicken because it was a taboo for them to eat chicken. So I won’t torture her to prepare something she doesn’t pertake. Am civilized. But our grandfathers were mean. They made our grandmothers prepare things they(women) weren’t allowed to eat for them. The laugh of my life will instead do that. Si harusi ni yake. I have seen couples sip wine at weddings. Hiyo sina shida nayo. Ama niwaletee chang’aa so that you all pass out tuwaibie hizo pesa mlikataa kutununulia gifts nazo? Imagine a situation where the groom is ‘out’ ( like everyone else) after imbibing chang’aa from Suneka and is grinding mother-in-law. Unaambia mother in-law, ” weka mate niteleze kama nyoka pangoni”. Uuuwih. No. So for that reason, no chang’aa. I have seen what it does to people.

What have I left behind? The venue will definitely be a local church. The reception will be at the very grounds, probably outside. Am not going to pay for a venue. Pay rent and pay for a venue for a wedding.? Nijikute!

Honeymoon

So that you all don’t act surprised like you’ve seen lot’s wife turn into salt, I will inform my local priest, family and gaidi’s family about my plans for the wedding. Wakikataa niende Kwa attorney general faster. Harusi ni yangu. Wafanye zao vile wanataka. Yangu nitafanya vile nataka.

Honeymoon ni kwa nyumba. And they lived together forever ama inakuwanga happily after?

PS: We went far talking about the wedding. Let me first find the ‘Laugh of my life’! Lucky if she will accept these terms and conditions. Wish me well!

PS(2) : Today am ish*. Haha.